Sorry for a long silence, there has been so many things
happening that I got lost in time, space and everything else possible.
Sometimes life feels as walking on such fountain - you never know when you might be all splashed with cold water
Can’t
believe it’s almost August! I keep remembering the Lithuanian expression 'Parduota Vasara', wonder if something like this exists in English? In Lithuanian the direct translation would be 'the Sold Summer' which kind of means that you sacrifice your holiday so you work and do something else difficult and boring. In my and other graudates' case, it means trying to sort our lives out, I guess!
This time I would like to share some recent more or less
art-related facts and happenings from the young artist’s life:
An article on me was published in the website www.anglija.lt where I shared my thoughts with
the most amazing journalist I ever met Jolanta about how is it like to be a
young artist in the big city. I am still surprised how she managed to put all
my random blagging into such a nice article! You can have a read here!
One of my drawings after winning against 500 submissions will
be a part of the Art in the Eastside project in the East Belfast Arts Festival and, as the website says, it will
accumulate the audience of up to one million people. My drawing will be printed as a maaassive billboard somewhere around Belfast and everyone there will be able to see it! Can you imagine this? Pretty cool, isn't it?
I am glad I didn’t listen to the ‘advice’ to quit drawing for a while, haha!
Will see how it all goes!
Got paid my first full month’s salary. Way too small though
as I forgot to bring some papers on time.
Paid off some debts. Still owe a quite a bit though.
Finally bought a watch so hopefully I get to improve my time
management skills!
Also, got my new housemates worried while spending three
nights away at my friend’s. Nice to know that even people who you think are
complete strangers actually care about you!
Got to go cross half of the London by the cab to get to my
work two hours earlier than usually.
I am seriously starting to consider getting a
pet/friend/husband whatever so that I don’t have to throw away all the sushis
and Japanese sweets I get to take home. Joking about the husband part though!
Got to see some interesting exhibits in the Museum of
Childhood as an excuse for my children’s game illustration commission. Was a
bit strange there though as I was probably the only visitor here on research
purposes rather than having been dragged here by the children.
bit creepy, isn't it?
My friend Val recommended me this song - I think the lyrics are really accurate! Especially I like the 'twitter twitter little star' part!
P.S. I know I keep forgetting to say this every time even
though I always keep it in my mind – so I would like to include a big big Thank
You to my Mum, Dad and my Friends for everything!
a rare occasion when someone takes a picture of me
so you know who is blagging all that nonsense here!
Tonight I would like to share some of mine thoughts that are
a bit more negative/sarcastic/honest than I even would like myself.
Last summer while being an intern in the National Gallery of Art in my hometown
Vilnius, Lithuania I learnt many invaluable lessons. And, what surprises me,
that some of these lessons I got to understand only now.
For example, I got to see some of the films by Jonas Mekas,
one of a few artists and filmmakers Lithuanians are extremely proud of. Please google
him if you have a spare minute!
young Jonas Mekas
His films I’ve seen are like visual diaries – the authentic
video footage with his mellow voice on top telling personal stories.
Jonas Mekas migrated to USA together with his brother in his
twenties. And, at first, they spent some time in one of the cities crowded with
other Lithuanians where the whole Lithuanian families lived in strange fantasy
world – they even held the regular meetings about how they will come back to
Lithuania when it’s all okay there again – the political and the economical
situation, all that stuff!
And after having spent some time like this Jonas Mekas
suddenly realized that he literally got stuck. As people around him were stuck
in some sort of dreams and fantasies that will never come true and that all
these regular meetings and fancy Lithuanian parties were only a mean to calm
themselves so that maybe they don’t have to admit that they are never coming
back to their motherland. Therefore, after having realized the hopelessness of
the situation Jonas Mekas and his brother were in they left the Lithuanian
community and, if I remember correctly, moved to Manhattan.
And there they started to make a living working all the
random jobs, staying alive only on coffee and sandwiches which after sometime they
became sick of…
And after the struggles he eventually got to meet such
people as Salvador Dali, John Lennon and Yoko Ono and the others and created
the Fluxus movement, eventually created many great things back in Lithuania as well, etc.
I guess you understand what I wanted to say ‘between the
lines’ while retelling you this short story.
It’s just that the recent experiences made me realize some
things once more and made me come up with some conclusions as well as actually do something serious about my life here.
I am not telling that we have to forget our Nationality, our
roots or stuff like that. No way!
But, to be very honest with you all, I just got
really sick of the fact that very often we Lithuanians cling to each other only
because of the same Nationality and forget where we really are. Because it is easier this way, isn’t it?
And even though my best friend here in London is a Lithuanian
I like the fact that we got to know each other only through creating the
designs for some products.
So, sorry if I am being too honest here, but, the sudden
growth of the Lithuanian acquaintances who remember me whilst I am here in
London made me realize all this I just confessed to you.
I lost the count of people, Lithuanians and not, whom I met
and whom I spent ages talking to, but I got tired of the hours spent talking
about things but not actually doing anything.
Maybe because I always
choose the most difficult path or maybe because I am trying to prove something
to someone.
That I am not stuck, that I am different, that I am better,
that I can do more, that I didn’t come here to work as a slave and save every
penny. I know all this myself but some hidden little monster inside me keeps showing
through and makes me ask myself all these questions again, again and again.
But maybe it’s not such a bad thing, I think. This way we
realize what we really want, I guess.
(by: Julee Yoo)
It's so hot here in the Big City that lying on the grass
or on any other possible (cold) surface is the only thing I want to do
What do you think about this? Maybe I am just being too
dramatic once more!
Is has been crazy. As usually. I still cannot quite grasp
the fact that I moved again. Living with new people again. Got lost a few times round there. I always do. In the
new places. I am already thinking of doing a little housewarming here for my new temporary home, wonder how many people would actually come though?!
more nice buildings
I gave an interview this Monday to one lovely Lithuanian
journalist who is actually interested in someone like – who is starting off to
do something creative not someone who already with the nose high up in the air.
Well, we will see how it worked out later on. One thing is definitely clear - it would be way too embarrassing to fail now after shouting the whole wide world about myself. This is the luxury I can't even afford thinking about! :)
And I finally got my illustration contract from
Lithuania. I am supposed to do some cute drawings for a children board game. Again,
still in the process. Will post some pictures as soon as we finish!
So, let’s just keep the fingers crossed!
And my days are usually pretty much crazy and similar –
commuting, working, commuting, meeting people, commuting, discovering London, reading
and (sometimes) answering emails and still hardly any time to draw.
Somehow by brain is still getting used to many things, if
not London and its scale then the adult life on the whole with few days off in
a week. I am not surprised many people choose to study anything they find so
that they do not need to decide anything themselves.
As I constantly keep
thinking now when there are so many things and people round there – how do I
decide on the right things?
How do I know if something I decided is right?
Whom should I listen to?
I noticed that I seem to be overthinking the things I should care the least and don't care about the things I should be worried.
I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about the fact I just
realized recently. You know all these epic books and films about the artists? Sometime
ago I realized that I meet of all the stereotypes about the typical artist. Wish
I had more time to actually make art though.
somehow my drawings seem to change a little
everytime I move/go somewhere new
But despite that fact nothing in my life seems to be normal.
For example, I finally managed to move from zone 6 to zone 3. Due to many
circumstances, as the lack of money etc, I ended up in the bohemian attic room –
the type of the room most of the artists would live in.
Also…
I am still broke…
I keep losing all the possible things, still surprised I got
my head on my shoulders.
Got fed up trying to find excuses not to go to watch a film with some creative art student who is at least ten years older than I am.
I work in the Japanese shop (which made me pretty spoilt
after eating all the Japanese food such as okonomiyaki, takoyaki, sushi,
sashimi, etc almost every day and where I meet amazing people and get to
practice my clumsy Japanese language skills).
I am meeting a journalist to give (one more) interview! Will let
you know how it went!
Godknows what I gonna tell – the true, I guess…
Sometimes I just wonder why can’t I just live like most of
the ‘normal’ people, you know?!
People take for granted the fact if I am clumsy, absent –
minded, put on some colourful clothes on, etc – ‘these artists’ – they say, but
to be honest, I do nothing but I am myself and sometimes I just think wouldn’t
it be easier to be a good, tidy girl who meets the guy like her and lives
happily ever after…
I keep remembering one pretty random incident from when I was
a small girl which I think kind of fits now.
Me and my mom would spend summers near the Baltic Sea and usually
I would just spend days lying on the beach, reading children books, silly girl
magazines and would just simply keep daydreaming (as I wasn’t most social kid,
afterall). I remember there was some kind of personality test in one of these
magazines. I don’t remember the questions (something silly, I guess) but
somehow I still remember what the answer said. It said something about my
multiple (or something like that) personality and that I will end up meeting
people of all sorts – from smart geeks to crazy artists. And I remember being
extremely disappointed by the fact that I will probably end up with no stable
relationships etc, but at least I will have what to laugh at and remember when I
get old. What a relief when you feel like wanting some kind of stability in
your life NOW.
beautiful walls of the beautiful buildings in the beautiful city
I know it was a silly test as I must have been no more than ten
back then. But I just can’t stop being surprised how true that random article
was, probably written just for the sake of being written.
I remember while back in my geeky school I always felt like someone
who doesn’t belong there due to spending too much time daydreaming and drawing and
now, when I finally got to meet many creative people, something inside me
started admiring the ‘stable’ kind of people, people who wake up at the same
hour each morning, put on the same kind of suit, take the same route to and
from work, eat the same lunch in the same café…
me and my two Lauras
I wonder why? Even though I wonder why at the same time I get
annoyed if others want me to become ‘normal’ like the sort of people I secretly
admire?!
First of all, sorry for a long silence here in the Kingdom of Tangled In Triangles.
What an accurate name for a blog I came up after all – don’t you think so?
I still feel tangled like hell. If some knots are finally untangled, the new ones appear and the story starts again…
I started a new blog post some days ago but I managed to delete it somehow. Bless my wonderful computer literacy!
The Runaway by Gorjuss - I was reminded once more about this artist
by my workmate wonderful Italian girl Debbie
To be honest, so many strange things are happening or… are just surrounding me that sometimes I just stop to analyse things. And, you know what, you may laugh, but, I don’t even know why, I got to realize several times that the things work out and happen the way they seem to be supposed happening only when I follow some voice inside me.
You might call it selfishness but to be honest, I just stopped listening to majority of people as otherwise I would just have not only to tear myself apart but to tear myself into dozens of smallest pieces and then scatter them completely different directions.
I wish I would have guts to write you more often but I will write you about what stuck in my memory most.
One day, before going to some room viewings I left the house earlier and for one more time went to Tate Modern. And, exactly on that day the new exhibition was opened. Check it out and come have a look if you happen to be in London! The artists name is Meschac Gaba and what stuck me the most was his quote on the front wall of the exhibition which said:
YOU DON’T NEED FOUR WALLS TO DEFINE YOUR PLACE, TO DECIDE WHO YOU ARE.’
I don’t even know why but this quote just got me – you know when you hear or see something just in the right place in the right time?
I think that quote says a lot itself, doesn’t it?
One more great exhibition I got to see was this one! The Graphic Art of the Harry Potter Films by Miraphora Mina and Eduardo Lima!
HARRY POTTER!
To be honest, I had no clue, the film crew actually got the artists do such a thorough job! Seems a dream job, doesn't it?!
Well.. At least now I know such great things are actually happening in this big big world and Harry Potter isn't the only one to be surrounded by magic!
And the fact that Harry was also living in Surrey (where I still am at the moment) made my day!
Because I keep getting stressed out about all this uncertainty my life is just soaking with – from the trial period at work to my desperate wish to get out of the faraway house in the zone 6 (well, at least not a zone 10, imagine that!) due to my obvious financial circumstances I am stuck in at the moment.
By the way, apparently quite a few people must be reading this little blog – thank you guys!
As I even got a comment below one of my posts!! What a surprise!
As I was telling about a strange phone call, the comment by someone called PaulB asked me to tell me more about that phone call!
To be honest, I don’t even know where to start naming all the strange calls and encounters here but the long story short – I was going to be paid to write creative film reviews but as I have to make a living somehow and this wouldn’t be enough, I eventually lost this opportunity only because I have to have a job. That’s the story.
Somehow I was going to complain about at least a billion things but somehow I can’t put myself together to do this. Maybe later when I get extremely fed up I will let all the disappointments out!
But today I think I found a perfect house with a room to rent and I seem to have quite a few friends – here in London or coming to visit me! I feel honoured!
So, there is no time to be looking back to the things that only stop us from moving forward!
There are so many things to be done that I hardly have any time left for them if I wouldn’t count the hours spent sleeping/working/commuting. Once, while all tired and fed up waiting for the train I started thinking that even hamsters seem to have a way more exciting life than most of the adults.
And because I am still young, naïve and optimistic I still believe that it is somehow possible not to become one of such hamsters, or, as one Lithuanian writer wrote, chinchillas.
Still broke and (still) believing in the beautiful dreams and beautiful today and tomorrow,
Gabriele
(or, as I got named at work – Gabby san)
I was having some hysterical moment after the crazy day when I accidently appeared at work two hours too early, lost my precious Oyster with the zones 1-6 travelcard and spent ages in tube while trying to get to the gallery (which sadly closed before we even got there. Photo by: Jenna)
(I don't remember if I shared that song with you already - found this song by Blue Hawaii ages ago because I liked... the album cover... maybe stupid but isn't the album cover really great?!)
P.S.: I know many people might be disappointed by my lack of organisation skills at the moment but I am doing my best to put myself together so I apologise for all the forgotten birthdays, unsent letters, overdue bills back in Preston, the illustrations and logos I haven't even started and millions of other things that I am embarrassed myself.
P.S.2 Before I finally managed to upload this post literally billions of new things happened - starting new phone calls related to illustration work to eventually finding a lovely attic room to rent! Not to mention how I managed to lose my travel ticket - Oyster - and somehow get it back again!.. But about all this next time...
When I decided to stay at
home all day (well… that place I live at the moment can hardly be called home
as I am getting out of there any second I can). And today I befriended a stray
cat and a Lithuanian Tesco staff member (this is what happens when I spend
hours on my phone in the most random places).
Found this today - quite like it -
should print it out and stick it on my door!
I missed my Vietnamese martial arts session again – this
time with the excuses of not being able to afford the bus tickets and with the
serious intentions of sending as many art-related CVs as possible even though I
keep getting all these advices that I should now focus only on… hmmm…
basically, how to survive. But please kill me then if it actually happens. So, I
sent a few emails eventually. Not because I was too lazy to send loads.
But because
I spent loads of time trying to find something I can put myself in at all. I can’t
really call myself a proper graphic designer or some kind of PR specialist or
anything like that.
I am ashamed to admit that I missed some arty deadlines my
dearest friends recommended me due to being too caught up and stressed out
about my new job which I am still unsure I will end up having after the
training ends.
I just sometimes wish my brain wouldn’t have to handle so
many different tasks at once. Not to mention my poor friend Laura whom I went
to hospital with due to her ear infection, the money I am running out of etc. I
was feeling pretty down recently. There are many things I could blame for
making me feel like this. But the main reason is, I guess, the almost-constant
feeling that I am bumping into some kind of dead-end way too many times. Sometimes
I wonder that maybe Indians are right to believe that if you were born as a
member of one Caste, you are cursed to stay in the same social status forever. So
as your children, your grand-children etc.
Sometime ago when I came to London only for a few days back
in May I asked my friends for an advice and what do they think – is there any
chance for me as an artist in this big big world.
And I liked one answer – that there are two answers I might
get:
1)Some people will say that it is impossible
and
2)Some will say that I should just follow my dream
and everything will be alright.
But as I was told by my friend both answers are wrong. The right
one is somewhere in the middle.
It is not impossible.
Getting on the first bus stop has some advantages -
at least you get the best seat and have more than enough time
to read, finish off the morning coffee and eat the breakfast!
Did I mention that I still have to take the tube after?!
So, while having to focus on all the
boring things such as finding a new place to live and do my best at work so
that I am not kicked out I still have to find energy to do the things I love
doing. And then, I will admit, it is a bit painful to be rejected numerous
creative opportunities only because I have no choice but to have a job to keep
me going which at the same time stops me from being fully flexible and fully
available. But I will better stop complaining. There are many things I can’t
change so I should better focus on the ones I can. I think I am getting there,
slowly but getting there!
For example, one lovely gallery curator here in London whom I
met few weeks ago was more than pleased to have me working with them as a
volunteer on their events, logo, etc.
By the way, we got our Uni results today but, to be honest, I
couldn’t care less about my marks. As it is Fine Art – how can you evaluate
such course? And I have way too many things on my plate already. But, at least,
one more stage is officially completed. With pretty good mark from some second
rated University. Sorry all my tutors for calling it this way, I know it has
been voted as one of the best Unis in Northwest or something like that, but
here in London no one has a clue where the hell University of Central
Lancashire is and if it is in Preston why don’t we call it that way then?
I could tell you loads and loads of things but I know that
you will get fed up reading all this. I know I should be taking more pictures
as well, I still promise that!
I still keep forgetting that it is summertime - with all the
cloudy skies above the London buildings and all the things to do!
(Remember I found that song sometime ago while still in Preston as I liked the name of the band!)
But I will tell you more about all this the next time!
One day I just woke up and dragged myself to Eel Pie Island in Thames River. Beautiful out there.
I don’t even know where to start this time. Not that I have
known all the other times before.
Let’s see… I started working in the Japanese shop – café in
West London. Still have to finish the paperwork but I just keep my fingers
crossed that I do not fail miserably (did I mention you that I got confused with
my timetable and didn’t notice that I had to go to work so went to my Degree
Show instead?! But luckily the boss was only worried and more understanding
than I thought! I guess nothing can be really worse than missing your first day
at work, how do you think?)
I am also occasionally dragged to Vietnamese martial arts
class which, to be honest, I started to like. But due to the lack of Time
Management skills I keep missing most of them.
It’s interesting, I noticed, how multicultural London really
is! I speak in Japanese at work, listen Russian instructions in these Martial
Arts activities, already got to meet and befriend people from Latvia, Iran, India,
Jamaica, Northern Ireland, Romania, China, Japan, Italy and places I don’t even
remember!
I will admit one thing to you, guys, but I never thought
that I had my nose up, but now I understand that I really did. Being from the
Capital, posh school and all that jazz… But since coming to England, and,
especially, London, I got to experience way more of the reality than in all
these years while I was still at home. While I was still at school or Uni the
question I hated most was ’what are you going to do when you graduate?’, now
the question I can’t stand is: ‘when are you coming back home/for holiday?’ And
then I ask THEM to come there instead and everyone is like ‘oh, but it’s
expensive!’ As if it was cheaper for me you may think!
And then I just wonder what should I start my answer with?
To say that I am not coming back yet?
That I can still hardly afford buying the fare ticket to get
to work which I just started?
That I enjoy finally experiencing the life it really is –
including waking up early to catch the bus to work and to be judged by my
abilities not by the name of my school?
That I chose to finally stop procrastinating the real life
and, therefore, didn’t enrol to Masters before I really feel the need for it?
That our home is where we make ourselves feel like home at?
And all the other possible answers that I am often too
afraid to answer directly.
Who knows, maybe I should have gone to the interview in Canary Wharf or should have agreed on the fake marriage and dozens of other completely random opportunities?!
I was asked to do some artworks for one musician’s song just
now. I just fell in love with her song – it is called ‘The Girl Who Lost Her
Smile’. Sometimes I feel like this girl – not because I don’t know how to
smile, somehow I learnt to appreciate the small things I never did appreciate
before and stopped smiling at the things most of people do actually smile. And,
to be honest, something else also changed inside me. Some of my moral values
changed drastically and I can hardly believe how naïve I was before getting to
all this ‘arty’ business. But, who knows, maybe it is a good thing I was so naïve
back then – I would have ended up doing Economics as 50% of my family members,
but, unlike them, I believe I would have miserably failed.
I don’t even know myself what exactly I want to tell you
guys this time – sometimes I just wish one thing – that I stopped feeling
guilty because of one thing. Not because of my nationality, my gender or
anything like that – but, for some reasons, very often I find myself in really
awkward situation when I can feel people judging what I am doing, and what I mean
is, that, how come, I am trying to survive as an artist one day if now I am
working in the shop and didn’t end up in some prestigious gallery just straight
after the Uni? And then I start feeling guilty. Feeling guilty that I didn’t
choose a ‘proper’ degree so that even working in the shop would be a ‘degree-related’
job, or, what is worse, why wasn’t I ‘lucky’ enough to have a banker
dad/husband?
I don’t know why I am writing all these crazy thoughts down
for you but I just want to be honest as the honesty is one of a few things I still
believe and admire in this big world.
I like these songs and not only because: 1) My friend showed me this band and I found the fact of the girls throwing up the glitter pretty metaphorical; 2) when my mp3 died I discovered that nice 'LES Artistes' song in the old-school mp3 player my friend gave me and the album cover has some glitter as well!
I remember back in Uni one lecturer gave us a lecture on the
importance of the artists’ mental health. Because, you see, being an artist is
a stressful, lonely and emotionally challenging job. Which I completely agree
with. In the end of the lecture we were asked who of us wants to be an artist
and I raised my hand without giving it a second thought. As well as a few more
fellow students. You see, when I just came from Lithuania to England three
years ago and tutors called us Artists, I was shocked – how can I be an artist if
I haven’t graduated yet?! But then, gradually, I was brainwashed, as well as
the guy in G. Orwell’s ‘1984’, I guess. And, I didn’t even notice when I started
calling myself an Artist myself. Not because I would believe I have already
achieved the heights of the artistic career or something like that. But this is
what I do. That’s it. So, back to the lecture… and then, the other question she
asked was ‘who of us feels confident of becoming an artist?’ and I was the only
one to have raised my hand. To everyone’s surprise. Yes, I know, it may sound
selfish and enthusiastic, but I am confident enough in my abilities. Or, I should
say, I was brainwashed, therefore, I have become like this.
What surprised me back then was the other thing which I am
going to end this little entry with. Why, of all the 40 people in the room,
whom I was the only one with no stable financial background, no family in the same
country, no wealthy fiancée, no maintenance loan… why was I the one who raised
my hand?
Here are some songs by Linda Campbell, the singer we are working with at the moment:
